LEADERSHIP (Series)Dealing with Difficult People

God gives each of us gifts to serve people, lead them and help them grow. At some point, every one of us encounters a difficult person or frustrating person.

Frustrate: to prevent from progressing, succeeding or being fulfilled. To upset, agitate or tire.

This means that someone is frustrating you if they are preventing you from being able to help them. You may be able to see the cause of their pain and you may have a way to help them but for whatever reason they get in the way. They may not be willing to admit they have a problem.

They may not be willing to do the work. They may not be willing to submit and let someone else take control. They may not see you as a credible source to give them direction. They may not be ready to deal with the things that are hurting them or holding them back. They may even be lying to themselves about how much they want to heal or grow. All of those are their problems not yours. But if you spend too much time around people like that it will make you second guess yourself or make you resentful.

For some reason these people seem like they are drawn to us, and we begin to wonder if God put them in our lives as an assignment to help them or to strengthen our character. If we are going to grow in our leadership we need to know how to deal with someone who is an "assignment" and someone who is just a difficult person.

Throughout the Bible we see that God does give “assignments”. He sent Moses to lead the

Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. He gave Joseph dreams that his family would bow before him.

He sent Jesus to bring salvation to the Jews (and eventually the rest of the world). Each of them dealt with difficult people. The Israelites constantly rebelled, Joseph’s family sent him into slavery, and Jesus was mocked and killed.

When God sends us to serve people we are a resource for them to get out of their rut and move to the next level. We might give them a message, interpret a message, heal them, lead them somewhere, teach them something, anoint them, or be an example to them. We are an answer for them in their time of need. They value your input and will listen to you because they see you as an answer from God.

“Anyone who receives you receives me, and anyone who receives me receives the Father who sent me. Matthew 10:40 NLT

The people you are assigned to can be difficult because the process of changing can be messy.

Sometimes people take three steps forward and two steps back. It’s very easy for them to go back to their old ways of doing things and in the beginning they need to constantly be reminded of the value of the change they are making. They really want to listen to you, but the fight they are dealing with is inside themselves. They are loyal to you and borrow strength and confidence from you but they may make constant mistakes. The most difficult part is being patient as you wait for them to make their breakthrough. Your job is to remain consistent in your message. Just like Jesus' disciples, your people will stick around even when things are difficult because they value your relationship with them and they know God has given you what they need.

Many of his disciples said, “This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?” Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining, so he said to them, “Does this offend you? At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?” Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go?

You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of

God.” John 6:60-68 NLT

Difficult people are different from assignments because even though they are close to you they aren’t necessarily looking to get better. They may be in your life because they are family members, coworkers, old friends, they go to your church, or even someone you're in a romantic relationship with. Outside of their issues they are actually really good people but it’s as if they are sabotaging themselves. Their lives are unhealthy and chaotic and they don’t need to be.

You have answers that could bring them peace, but they aren’t ready to receive it. They can be prideful, argumentative, unwilling to see things from a different perspective, they blame other people for their problems, and even when they ask for help they rarely apply the information given to them. They act like a victim but they can't see how some of their problems are self-inflicted. They would rather have the pain that comes from staying the same than the pain that comes from making a change.

Here are some rules to remember when it comes to dealing with difficult people.

God just tells us to serve. He doesn’t tell us to question why people refuse our help.

If you offer to help someone and they accept it, stay close. If they refuse your help then leave them alone.

“Whenever you enter a city or village, search for a worthy person and stay in his home until you leave town. When you enter the home, give it your blessing. If it turns out to be a worthy home, let your blessing stand; if it is not, take back the blessing. If any household or town refuses to welcome you or listen to your message, shake its dust from your feet as you leave. I tell you the truth, the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah will be better off than such a town on the judgment day. Matthew 10:11-15 NLT

God doesn’t send us to people to change them, he sends us to serve them.

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony,

stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations. Ezekiel 36:26-27 NLT

God is the only one who can change someone’s heart. If your assignment was to “fix” the

person then God would grade you on how well that person changes. That’s why some of us get so frustrated because we are pouring into someone and they are not changing and we feel like we are failing them and God. But when God puts you in someone’s life your assignment is to serve them. You either need to teach them or heal them. You are a messenger or a deliverer. If they are willing to listen or be led they will get what God has for them. But you can’t make them listen or submit. They can choose whether or not to receive what you are supposed to give them. That means you can still be a great servant even if the people you’ve been called to serve don’t change or show any fruit.

Don’t give people more than they can handle, or more than you can handle.

“Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you. Matthew 7:6 NLT

Even though you can still be a good servant if the person is showing no fruit, you don’t want to consistently give valuable things to people who don’t value them. When God sends you on an assignment, only give people what they will accept or use. Pouring into people is an investment.

We are not unlimited. When you pour into difficult people who are not listening or growing it

drains you. When you pour into people who listen and make changes, it breathes life into you.

You don’t have unlimited resources, time, energy, patience, or grace to give. If you give too

much of yourself without recharging you will run empty. When you’re empty you will malfunction and act out of character. When you identify that someone is draining you, you have to put up boundaries or cut them off. If you bankrupt yourself with difficult people you won’t have anything to give to the people who truly value you.

God’s assignments should draw you closer to him, not push you away (even if you come to him confused, angry or upset). God will not send you to someone who will abuse you and offend you so much that you stop serving him. The way you respond to how people treat you will let you know if they are part of your assignment. If their brokenness affects you in such a way that you become bitter and you don’t want to interact with people or with God, that person may not be part of your assignment.

Just because God assigns someone to you, doesn’t mean they get full access to you.

The most powerful thing we can do for people is be consistent. We can’t be in their life when things are good and then disappear when they are going through struggles. There are some people we can be mentors to and some people we have to love from far away. For some of us we only know one way to love people and that’s to be all in. There are people in our lives who would be overwhelmed by what we would be ready to give them. There are others we don’t have the tools or temperament to let them get too close.

Some people you have to love from afar. The most you can give them is intercessory prayer. For a season you can’t communicate with them and you can’t mentor them because what they are dealing with, you don’t have the maturity to handle. Either their particular sin, or their defensiveness triggers you and causes you to move backwards. They will drain you or offend you. They may cause you to question yourself or question God. It would be easier for them to drag you down than for you to lift them up. You may not have the knowledge, patience, or credibility to be able to connect with them and move them in a healthy direction. The best thing you can do is stay away.

Some people you will walk alongside them. You don’t have the tools to help but what they are dealing with doesn’t affect you in a negative way. You have to point them in the direction of someone who can help and you can be their support. You can be a container for their pain but you have to point them in to someone else who can empower them to move forward.

Some people you will be working with very closely. You have the tools, the temperament, and you are unphased by their struggles. They listen to you and are accountable to you and are willing to do the work. Your job is to give them the tools they need, tell them what they need to hear and let them work it out.

The Bible gives us many warnings about dealing with difficult people. Proverbs calls these

people fools and describes how their behavior brings their downfall.

A fool’s proud talk becomes a rod that beats him, but the words of the wise keep them safe.

Stay away from fools, for you won’t find knowledge on their lips. Fools make fun of guilt, but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation. People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness. Proverbs 14:3, 7, 9, 29 NLT

It is senseless to pay to educate a fool, since he has no heart for learning. Proverbs 17:16 NLT

It is painful to be the parent of a fool; there is no joy for the father of a rebel. Foolish children

bring grief to their father and bitterness to the one who gave them birth. Proverbs 17:21, 25 NLT

Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.

Proverbs 18:2 NLT

People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the LORD.

Proverbs 19:3 NLT

Don’t waste your breath on fools, for they will despise the wisest advice. Proverbs 23:9 NLT

There is no good way to answer fools when they say something stupid. If you answer them,

then you, too, will look like a fool. If you don’t answer them, they will think they are smart.

Proverbs 26:4-5 ERV

Like a dog that returns to its vomit, a fool does the same foolish things again and again.

Proverbs 26:11 ERV

If someone who is wise tries to settle a problem with a fool, the fool will argue and say stupid things, and they will never agree. Proverbs 29:9 ERV

Remember we cannot control what other people do. We can only control what we do. We are told to stay away from difficult people who have no desire to change. It’s not that we don’t care, but we can’t care more about them than they care about themselves.

Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

2 Timothy 2:23-26 NLT

Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching. For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.

They will reject the truth and chase after myths. 2 Timothy 4:2-4 NLT

We should be patient with everyone. For the people closest to you; parents, children, siblings, friends, significant others, all you can do is love them well. God placed you in their lives to demonstrate his love for them. You can listen to them, comfort them and always love them. But you have to be a consistent source of light and truth. When they walk in darkness they are choosing to walk away from you and God. And you have to let them. Hopefully they will allow God to work on their hearts and they will realize what they had with you is better than the foolish things they were chasing after.

Just because someone is in your family or you’ve known them for a long time doesn’t mean they are your assignment. Even Jesus wasn’t able to heal everyone in his hometown. Not because he wasn’t able but because of their unbelief.

And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.” And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief. Matthew 13:57-58 NLT

We have to be careful not to let pride set in. We might put so much work into a person that we think we deserve to be there when they have their breakthrough. We won’t always be there when our assignment or difficult person has their prodigal son moment. We may not witness that moment when they finally come to their senses and realize how difficult they’ve been and how much they need to change. And that’s okay.

Questions

Do you realize not every difficult person who sticks around is an assignment, but a reminder you need healthy boundaries?

God loves the lost people in your life more than you do. He saves them, not you. If you have

any guilt about not doing enough for a difficult person in your life are you ready to release it?