Lesson: You’re Not an Orphan Anymore, You’re Part of the Family

An orphan is a son or daughter who has lost their father or both parents. Losing your parents doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve died. It means you’ve lost your connection to them. They could be physically present but emotionally distant, they could be gone a lot because of work, they could be incarcerated, they could have divorced and split the family in two, they could have given you up for adoption, or they could have addictions so strong that they neglect, abandon or reject you.

When you lose your parents, you have no one to protect you from unforeseen danger. You don’t see how healthy boundaries are created. You allow people to abuse you, or you abuse yourself because you’ve been shown you don’t have value. Instead of putting up proper boundaries, you learn to harden your heart so that no one will be able to hurt you again. You can become a slave to your emotions, ready to run or fight anytime someone offends you. You may not know how to distinguish between the person who hurt you today and the one who caused the initial wound. You may treat everyone who hurts you as if they are your original abuser.

When you lose your parents, there is no one to provide for your basic needs. Good, loving

parents don’t provide because of how well you perform. They provide because of your

relationship with them. When our parents don’t provide for us we learn how to control and

manipulate others to get our needs met. It’s like a kid whose mom won’t buy him candy in the store. The child begins to whine and cry and manipulate the situation to get what they want. As adults, we learn how to do this in a more sophisticated way.

When your parents aren’t present, there is no one to provide love and a sense of identity, and belonging. When we don’t know who we are and we don’t know where we belong, we wander through life trying to create an identity instead of stepping into our own. We insert ourselves into communities and relationships we don’t belong to. And many times we find ourselves being rejected because our desire to be accepted outweighs our discernment. We end up around people who don’t understand us and can’t see our value. Pastor Miles Monroe said, “When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable.” When your parents aren’t present, there is no sense of honor. Proverbs 17:6 NLT says Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged; parents are the pride of their children.

Children should be proud of their parents and should have a standard to look up to and work towards. Without a clear standard, it will be harder to reach your full potential. If you don’t know you’re the child of a warrior or a king, you may live your life as a slave. You will be bound, give away your power, unable to fight, unaware of your authority, and unable to access your

inheritance.

Parents provide validation, correction, and guidance. Without them, we lack direction and

stability. We can live life constantly questioning ourselves and our decisions. We can become insecure, living on both sides of the line, because we are afraid to make the wrong choice or make a mistake.

Parents also provide love and attention. When there is no relationship, then you have to earn

attention. When you’ve lost connection with your parents, you believe you don’t deserve love unless you’ve worked for it. This can cause confusion because you believe that who you are is what you do. The better you do in life, the more value you have, the more you deserve to be loved. It can cause anxiety and depression because you have to constantly perform at a high level to feel worthy of love and the moment you fall then all your value disappears. When we feel we aren’t being seen, we will do anything to get attention. We may become overachievers to get the spotlight, or we may even settle for negative attention by underachieving. We can become overly aggressive or become a people-pleasing doormat. We will constantly be striving to become someone that people pay attention to. When you don’t have your parents, it’s hard

to believe that you could just get attention for being a son or a daughter, regardless of how well you perform.

Parents provide comfort during stressful situations. They can calm you down and teach you how to soothe yourself. When your parents aren’t present you may have difficulty self-soothing. You may be overly stimulated because you respond to every problem as if it has the same level of urgency. Or you may learn to self-medicate and numb yourself because you don’t know how to quiet your mind on your own.

Whether we’ve had good parents, bad parents or anything in between, all of us have had

moments where we feel like we are orphans. Our parents weren’t perfect and their behavior

either made us feel alone or made us wish we were. That doesn’t mean we can’t be saved and spiritually restored by God, but what it means is that we don’t really know what it means to relate to God as our Father.

Most of us are introduced to God as someone who is keeping tabs on how well we can imitate holiness. Church sometimes can make us feel like our relationship with God is transactional. If I do enough good then God will bless me. If I serve in ministry then God will do miracles on my behalf. If I read the Bible then God will love me. That is what most people’s understanding of Christianity is. But that’s incorrect. Religion is what’s left when you remove a relationship with God.

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27 NLT

God cares about orphans and children and people who it seems like the world doesn’t care

about. He brings people together to produce Godly children who have a relationship with their heavenly Father. And for those who don’t have mothers and fathers, he uses his followers to provide family and belonging to those who are alone.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. Malachi 2:15 NLT

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 NLT

Our inheritance has been turned over to strangers, our homes to foreigners. We are orphaned and fatherless. Our mothers are widowed. We have to pay for water to drink, and even firewood is expensive. Lamentations 5:2-4 NLT

This is a time to celebrate before the Lord your God at the designated place of worship he will choose for his name to be honored. Celebrate with your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, the Levites from your towns, and the foreigners, orphans, and widows who live among you. Deuteronomy 16:11 NLT

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their

troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

Psalms 34:17-20 NLT

If you are healing from an orphan spirit then you have to recognize areas where the door may have been opened and ask God to heal you in those areas. But the blessing never stops with us.

We are blessed to bless others. If it is our job to cover those dealing with an orphan spirit or an orphan mentality, we need to recognize how it enters and what are the symptoms so we can be mindful of those around us and be ready to introduce them to Jesus, the great healer, so he can deliver them.

How is the spirit activated?

Death of one or both parents - poverty - neglect - emotionally unavailable parent(s) - overly

critical parents - parents stuck in addiction - abandonment - parents showed favoritism towards certain children over others - single parent gives more attention to their boyfriend or girlfriend than the child - parent shows no interest in child’s social life - physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse - parent experienced major medical condition forcing child to raise themselves

What can it lead to?

Hiding - withdrawing from community - trust issues - superficial - difficulty receiving correction - victim mentality - confusion - over achieving to receive validation or recognition - low self worth - resentment - bitterness - anger - entitlement - selfishness - hyper independence - works based religion instead of a relationship with God - can’t handle true intimacy for fear of loss - attachments or addictions to substances, behaviors, technology, people, or ideologies - people pleasing - stretching yourself thin or even bankrupting yourself to care for others who would never repay the favor - overly emotional - outbursts of anger - lying - exploitation - gaslighting - denial - silent treatment - manipulation through praise or gifts - anger disguising sadness - dissociating and/ or burying painful memories - living in fantasy instead of reality - altering appearance or identity to fit in or stand out

God says that we are no longer orphans and that we are adopted into the family.

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without

fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to

himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

Ephesians 1:4-5 NLT

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. Ephesians 1:6-7 NLT

That kindness and understanding that God pours on us is the grace we need as we learn how to live this new life and become part of the family. Where many people make a mistake is when they start reading the bible. They read the bible as if they are trying to check something off their list of spiritual tasks to complete. Instead we should look at the Bible as God’s diary or love letter to us to help us understand him and ourselves.

If we are recovering from an orphan mindset we need to learn that the relationship God wants to have with us will not look like the one we had with our earthly parents. We have to learn what it means to be a son or daughter of God.

We can ask him for things.

“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Matthew 7:9-11 NLT

When we fail, God doesn’t keep records to determine whether or not he will bless us. We don’t become outsiders. He still looks at us as his beloved children.

“When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’ Luke 15:17-19 NLT

“But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him.

Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We

must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.

Luke 15:22-24 NLT

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s

Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory.

Romans 8:15-17 NLT

For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

Romans 8:29-30 NLT

When we learn to listen to God he shows us our purpose and what he wants us to do in the

kingdom. We also learn that he heals us and prepares us for the work. And we don’t have to

worry about failing because no matter how we perform he loves us.

So Jesus explained, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him everything he is doing.

John 5:19-20 NLT

I will give them a desire to respect me completely, and I will put inside them a new way of

thinking. I will take out the stubborn heart of stone from their bodies, and I will give them an

obedient heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 11:19 NCV

We have no need to fear someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us.

1 John 4:18 TLB

He tells us how valuable we are to him and that we never have to feel like orphans again.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of

sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

Psalms 139:13-14, 16-18 NLT

For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” So we can say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear.” Hebrews 13:5-6 NLT