PART OF THE FAMILY (SERIES)That’s not your personality, it’s trauma

Many of us have been misunderstood or there were times we weren’t loved the right way. There was a sense of not belonging, as if we didn’t have a home or a family. In those moments we experienced what is known as trauma. That trauma could have happened when we were babies, children, teens or adults. Whenever it happened, and however long it happened, that trauma planted a seed in us that has shaped our behavior.

Trauma: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience or an emotional response to an event or series of events Trauma is an emotional wound. When we experience trauma it causes us to see the world differently. We see danger where we didn’t before. We may desire more control because it makes us feel safe. We may withdraw from people because they represent uncertainty or danger. Or if we can’t get away from people we may seek to manipulate them so we can maintain control of our environment. All of these are subconscious responses we develop to shield us from the pain we may have experienced.

God’s kingdom is a family that is interconnected and submitted to him. He desires that we

operate like a body where all the parts depend on one another to function and flourish. When we let trauma affect our personality and responses we become disconnected and put up walls between us and other people. We are designed to be connected to other people. When that connection is broken we do some weird things. We malfunction.

(In our effort to shield ourselves from pain we use different defense mechanisms. But not only do they shield us from pain but they can keep us from facing difficult situations and emotions and accepting them. It feels better to avoid the pain than to admit that it hurts.)

Some of the behaviors that we pick up after being wounded include:

Hoarding - Avoidance - Denial - Paranoid and suspicious of others - Projecting negative feelings onto others - Rationalizing and making excuses - Repressing painful memories - Regressing in behavior or ability - Withdrawal - Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner (codependent) - Chasing unavailable partners or relationships - Rebelliousness/ defiant to authority - Passive-aggressiveness - Self-harm - Outbursts and temper tantrums - Trouble regulating emotions - Recreational substance abuse - Avoid critique or criticism - Addictive behaviors - Drug or alcohol addiction - Unhealthy sexual activity - Eating disorders - Nightmares - Perfectionism - Overly religious - Selfishness/ Self absorbed - Prideful (excessively high and unjustified sense of self) - Living in fantasy - Hyper Independence (refusing to ask for help) - People pleasing - Lack of boundaries - Can’t relax or rest - Dissociation (mentally checking out of a stressful situation when you can’t physically leave) - Indecisiveness - Becoming emotionally

numb - Victim mentality (blaming others for our circumstances) - Using the occult to try to

control other people or our environment - Underperforming or laziness to hide fear of failure - Covering up pain with dark humor In the Bible we can see how trauma affected different people's behavior.

Adam and Eve (who never knew shame) put on clothes to hide their nakedness from each other and from God.

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”

Genesis 2:7-10 NLT

Cain killed his brother and gave God an attitude about it because he felt jealous of his brother and rejected by God.

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be

accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is

crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him. Afterward the Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?” “I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”

Genesis 4:6-9 NLT

When we are healed and whole we can see that our safest relationship should be with God.

God is our nurturer, protector and provider.

God is no mere human! He doesn't tell lies or change his mind. God always keeps his promises.

Numbers 23:19 CEV

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. 2 Samuel 22:2-3 NLT

We have to realize that God doesn't shield us from everything. He doesn't always shield us from the actions of others and he doesn't shield us from the consequences of our own actions.

When we experience a traumatic event we stop thinking clearly and we have a tendency to take our eyes off God. When we take our eyes off God, the world around us looks dangerous and we look to something else to keep us safe and fulfill our desires.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.

Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.

James 4:1-3 NLT

Since trauma is an emotional wound and everyone’s emotions are different, negative events can affect each person differently. The situation doesn't always have to be big to have an effect.

Trauma can occur when something negative happens to you but it can also occur in the

absence of something positive. It can occur if a parent assaults you, or if they neglect you.

Being involved in an accident, getting divorced, witnessing your parents get divorced, being abandoned by your parents, taking care of a sick parent, a close family member’s death, losing a friend, being homeless, witnessing or committing murder, being forced or introduced to sex before we're ready. . .all of these things can have lasting effects on us if we don't address them and get healed.

When we go through trauma it narrows our focus so all we care about is ourselves. It can cause us to treat other people poorly or even want to hurt them. Wounded people do foolish things.

Hence the phrase “hurt people hurt people.”

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.

Proverbs 14:1 NLT

People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.

Proverbs 14:29 NLT

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1 NLT

The trauma can be generational. It’s not a curse but a pattern. You repeat what you saw or what was done to you.

One day Saul said to David, “I am ready to give you my older daughter, Merab, as your wife. But first you must prove yourself to be a real warrior by fighting the Lord’s battles.” For Saul thought, “I’ll send him out against the Philistines and let them kill him rather than doing it myself.”

1 Samuel 18:17 NLT

So the next morning David wrote a letter to Joab and gave it to Uriah to deliver. The letter

instructed Joab, “Station Uriah on the front lines where the battle is fiercest. Then pull back so that he will be killed.”

2 Samuel 11:14-15 NLT

King Saul felt threatened by David so he tried to have him killed in battle. Many years later,

when David slept with Bathsheba, he tried to hide his guilt by having her husband killed in

battle.

Satan loves when we experience trauma. He may not cause all the trauma in our lives but he does use it to manipulate us. One of the enemy’s greatest weapons is separation. He wants to separate you from God, he wants to separate you from other people so you don’t have community, and he wants to separate you from yourself. When you don’t know yourself it’s easy for him to serve you lies and a false identity.

When Jesus died on the cross he took on all possible trauma so that he could reconcile all

those relationships. We fear death; emotional death, physical death, spiritual death, relational death, death of status and ego. Jesus didn’t just come to give us eternal life after death. He came so that we wouldn’t have to be afraid of death. He came to take away death’s power.

When we recognize and accept Jesus’ gift of life, then we can begin to heal from our pain.

The enemy realizes that you are important to God. There is a part that God wants you to play in bringing others into the family. So if he can keep you from trusting him you’ll never get healed. If he can keep you bound by fear of death and separation, you will never step into your role as an important family member. You won’t grow and develop to maturity and you won’t show anyone else how to either.

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:1-6 NLT

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT

Sometimes we get angry trying to make sense of the broken world we live in. When we look

around and see that evil isn’t always punished. We may even feel like God doesn’t care or he isn’t watching and he lets bad things happen to us.

And so the people are dismayed and confused, drinking in all their words. “What does God

know?” they ask. “Does the Most High even know what’s happening?” Look at these wicked

people—enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply. . .So I tried to understand why the

wicked prosper. But what a difficult task it is. Then I went into your sanctuary, O God, and I

finally understood the destiny of the wicked. Truly, you put them on a slippery path and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.

Psalm 73:10-12, 16-17 NLT

We don’t need to worry about constantly defending ourselves. God works things out for our

good. He sees us. He protects us long enough for us to come directly to him. He makes sense out of our pain so we can accept it and heal from it.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and

ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.

Psalm 73:21-24 NLT

Just because you have lived for a long time as a traumatized person, doesn’t mean you have to continue those patterns forever. God’s love is the antidote for the frustration inside of you.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?

Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 7:21-25 NLT

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Romans 8:14-15 NLT

And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of

judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of

punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

1 John 4:17-18 NLT

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 NLT

Don’t go looking for all of your issues on your own. You will end up in a spiral of self

condemnation constantly looking for what’s wrong with you. Let God peel back the layers to

point out the issues he wants to deal with inside you. He will point them out at the right time

when he knows you are ready to handle it and he will walk with you through the healing

process. As you begin to heal you recognize the brokenness in others. Healing should allow you to have more compassion for others because you realize they aren’t behaving poorly because it’s part of their personality. They are hiding deep pain.

Physical wounds have to be hidden to heal. Emotional wounds have to be revealed to heal. Are there any wounds you’re ready to share and let go of?